Missing You
by Boofeh
Summary: I have to be strong. People need me. But I need you more. Implied S/R


_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, but I do own a crappy Sora action figure. =D_

_-x-_

I never knew quite how salty my tears were before now.

They remind me of the ocean at home – so very salty. The taste brings back so many memories of the beach, of swimming and of you. I can almost smell the salt; feel the sun on my skin and the sand under my feet. After so long, it seems almost like I'm home again. The sound of trees bending in the wind rings in my ears – I can hear the gentle waves of the ocean, but that might just be the blood in my head. I wipe a particularly fat tear from my cheek and lick it from my finger. It consoles me a little. I always liked the taste of salt.

It's fitting, I suppose, tears being as salty as the ocean. They sting my eyes and burn my tongue with the salt, reminding me of the one place I can never go to, might never see again. Teasing me. It just makes them fall faster and thicker. Shaking, I curl into a tighter ball and pull the blanket further over my head. Nobody can see me like this. I have to be _brave_.

But I miss you.

My insides ache terribly. Ever since that door shut between us, I've had this empty feeling. My insides have gone numb. So much time has passed since then that I had gotten used to it – I could even ignore it when my mind was occupied. That was, until today. Now I feel like there's a ragged hole in my chest. I'm bleeding.

I don't know quite what happened today. It keeps running through my head like a broken film, but it still doesn't make any sense. I followed you through the mountains of the Land of Dragons, thinking you were with that accursed Organization XIII. But when you summoned your Keyblade, I stopped. I should have realized just what was going on straight away – no members of Organization XIII carry Keyblades. The only Keyblade bearer other than Mickey that I know is you. But I didn't think, I just attacked like the idiot I am.

When the Emperor confirmed my suspicions that you had been there, I just wanted to sink into the floor and die. I had to fight back tears of humiliation and rage. Why did you fight me? Why did you hide from me? Why did you run? Weren't we friends anymore? The empty space in my chest began to sting horribly. It still hasn't stopped. I don't know if it ever will.

Watching Mulan and Shang embrace brought tears to my eyes. Seeing how happy they were made me feel so alone. Why is it that they get to hold each other and be happy and I have to chase you to the end of the worlds and back? How come they deserve it and I don't? I almost started to bawl like a baby on the spot. Of course, I had to hold it together for Donald and Goofy, so I wiped my face and tried to smile and be happy. They hate seeing me sad – apparently the gummiship runs on happy faces. I used to wonder if it was just because they couldn't be bothered to comfort me if I started to cry, but now I know it's because they don't know how to deal with this kind of anguish. They see the world through rosy glasses; everything is all hunky dory. So you can imagine how strange a troubled teenager must seem to them.

But now they're in the cockpit and I'm in the back, curled up in the gummi ship's tiny bedroom. So I can cry myself out.

The path of the Keyblade master is a rocky one – they warned me, but I didn't understand just how rocky it would be. I don't know if anyone could have predicted _this_ kind of rocky. But if this keeps up, I don't know if I can make the distance. These last years have taken their toll on me, and I'm getting weaker every time I get stronger. My physical strength is draining on my emotional endurance. Every day is harder and more difficult than the last. But I have to be strong like you and stick it out. People need me.

But I need you more.

I wish you were here. I wish I could touch your face, your hair, your arms and hands. I wish I could smell your scent, hear your voice telling me everything will be fine. I wish I could look into your eyes and see you looking right back into mine. I wish I could see you pick up a wooden sword and challenge me to a sparring match. I'd even settle for reading your neat handwriting if you were to write me a note or a letter. I just miss you so damned _much,_ and you have no idea.

I will find you, one day. Even if you don't want to be found. We'll be together again someday.

-x-

Why do you have to always be so clueless, damn it?

How long has it been since I've seen you? Apart from that one time I saw you from a distance at Hollow Bastion, the last time I saw you was when you were comatose in that pod of yours. So you can imagine how happy I was today when I saw you up and about, wide awake.

That woman was following me, and I thought I'd lost her. But suddenly, you came out of nowhere. I could have lost you easily, but I wanted to see you, so I let you catch me when you were alone. I was tempted to reveal myself – to pull down my hood and sweep you up into a bone-cracking hug. How I wanted to let you lead me home, where we would never be apart again and live out our own happily ever after. But I remembered exactly what I had sacrificed for your freedom, so I kept myself concealed. You wouldn't recognize me.

Suddenly we were fighting. I don't remember who initiated it – but I knew that I couldn't bear to hurt you with my fearsome powers of darkness, so I kept the fighting to a few slow strokes and slashes. I didn't want to fight at all, but I had to rough you up a little to remain incognito. Every time I hit you I felt it. Every bruise I gave I received. Not to mention the fact that you've grown a lot stronger since the last time we fought. I wonder if you'd be able to keep up with me now. It's something for me to dream about, I suppose; taking you through your paces with a wooden sword, like in the old days. Eventually, I stopped the fight when you had me beat. I wasn't thinking straight at this stage – I just wanted you to take me by the hand and lead me back to the Islands, to Kairi, to lazy days and sparring matches. To the light. I would have even settled for a quiet place to be alone with you. Before I knew what I was doing, I was holding my hand out for you to take.

I saw you pause, and I saw something click. Recognition lit up your face. My stomach did a back flip and I turned tail and ran. No way can you see me now, ruined like I am. It's probably better for you if you never see me again. If you destroy Organization XIII and return to the Islands to live out the happily ever after you've earned a hundred times over. You deserve it, but I don't.

I'll be the first to admit, I took my frustration out on the emperor's guard when the fool challenged me. I could have introduced myself to the emperor peacefully, but when that idiot brandished his pathetic little sword at me I gave in and beat him senseless. It felt good. But not as good as reuniting with you would have felt.

I miss you.

I wish I wasn't so pathetic. If I wasn't, I wouldn't still be dependent on darkness, and I'd still have my own body. You'd recognize me on sight, and we could be together again. But no. I have to run, to hide myself from you. I have to lie to myself. The blindfold over my eyes is tightening with each passing day – soon I will be permanently blinded.

I wish you were here, you and your ridiculously bright attitude. I know you'd forgive me, that you already have. But you never knew the full extent of my crimes, and I'd like to keep it that way. But I can't stop myself from wishing you were here, that I don't have to hide. Wishing we were together again. But in the darkness there are no stars to wish upon, and all of my wishes are hollow and soon forgotten.

I miss you so much.

-x-

**A/N:**** This is set after Sora's second visit to the Land of Dragons where he unwittingly attempts to beat the snot out of Riku.**

**Thanks for reading. Have an emo free day. =)**


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